劉博士英語原著閱讀金星人與火星人系列1：男性和女性本是不同的

【劉博士中文譯文】

金星人和火星人

第一章

讓我們假設(shè)，男性來自火星，女性來自金星。很久以前的一天，火星人在通過望遠(yuǎn)鏡瞭望的時候，發(fā)現(xiàn)了金星人。僅是驚鴻一瞥地看見了金星人，就喚醒了他們從前所未知的一種情感。他們墜入愛河，于是很快就發(fā)明了太空旅行，并飛往了金星。

金星人張開雙臂迎接火星人。她們憑直覺知道這一天會來的。他們敞開心扉來迎接一場她們從未感受過的愛情。

金星人和火星人之間的愛情是神奇的。他們享受在一起的時光，一起做事，一起分享。盡管他們來自不同的世界，他們卻陶醉于彼此的差異。他們花了數(shù)月的時間來相互了解，探索并欣賞彼此不同的需求、喜好和行為方式等。他們在愛與和諧中一起生活了許多年。

后來他們決定飛往地球。一開始，一切都完美極了，美妙極了。但是地球大氣層的影響開始起作用了。一天早上，每個人醒來時都得了一種奇特的失憶癥（Amnesia）—選擇性失憶癥！

火星人和金星人都忘記了他們是來自于不同星球的，他們本就是不同的。就在這一個早上，他們所學(xué)到的關(guān)于他們之間差異的一切知識都從記憶中被抹去了。從那一天起，男性和女性陷入了沖突之中。

記住我們的差異

如果我們沒有意識到我們本就應(yīng)該不同，男性和女性就會出現(xiàn)矛盾。當(dāng)我們忘記了這個重要的事實(shí)時，我們就經(jīng)常會對異性發(fā)脾氣或是感到失望。我們期望異性能更像我們自己那樣。我們盼望他們“想我們所想”和“感受我們所感受”。

我們錯誤地以為，如果我們的伴侶愛我們的話，他們的反應(yīng)和行為，就會像我們愛某人時的反應(yīng)和行為一樣。這種態(tài)度使我們誤入圈套，使我們再度失望，并阻礙了我們花必要的時間就我們之間的差異進(jìn)行充滿愛意的交流。

男性錯誤地期望女性會像男性一樣思考、溝通和反應(yīng)；女性同樣錯誤地期望男性會像女性一樣感受、交流和回應(yīng)。我們已經(jīng)忘記了男性和女性就應(yīng)該是不同的。結(jié)果，我們的關(guān)系充滿了不必要的摩擦和沖突。

清楚地認(rèn)識到并尊重這些差異將大大減少我們與異性交往時的困惑。當(dāng)你記?。耗行詠碜曰鹦?，女性來自金星時，一切就都能夠解釋得通了。

概述我們的差異

我將在本書中詳細(xì)地討論兩性之間的差異。每一章都會給你帶來全新的、極其重要的見解。以下是我們將探討的兩性之間的主要差異：

在第2章中，我們將探討男性和女性的價值觀如何有本質(zhì)的不同，并試圖理解我們對于異性看法的兩大錯誤：男性會錯誤地給女性解決辦法而不認(rèn)同女性的感受，而女性則會未經(jīng)請求就提供建議和指導(dǎo)。通過了解我們各自的火星人/金星人背景，我們就能清楚知道為什么男性和女性會在不知不覺中犯這些錯誤。通過記住這些差異，我們可以改正錯誤，并立即使用更有建設(shè)性的方式來回應(yīng)對方。

在第3章中，我們將發(fā)現(xiàn)男性和女性在處理壓力時的方法是不一樣的?；鹦侨藘A向于抽身遠(yuǎn)離并安靜地思考困擾他們的事情，而金星人則本能地需要與人談?wù)摾_她們的事情。你將會學(xué)到新的技巧，當(dāng)出現(xiàn)這些沖突的時候，用這些新技巧來得到你想要的東西。

我們將在第4章探討如何讓異性產(chǎn)生動力。男性在感到被需要的時候，他們的動力就會被激發(fā)出來，而女性在感覺到被關(guān)愛時，她們就有了新的動力。我們將討論改進(jìn)兩性關(guān)系的三個步驟，并探討如何克服我們最大的挑戰(zhàn)：即，男性需要克服對主動給予愛的抗拒心理，而女性則必須克服她們對主動接受愛的抵抗心理。

在第5章里，你將了解男性和女性如何經(jīng)常因?yàn)槭褂貌煌恼Z言（表達(dá)）而相互誤解的。本章的《火星人/金星人用語詞典》為你提供了經(jīng)常被誤解的表達(dá)語翻譯。你將了解男性和女性是如何表達(dá)意思，他們甚至?xí)驗(yàn)橥耆煌脑蚨Ｖ拐Z言表達(dá)（溝通）。在這一章，女性將會學(xué)到，當(dāng)男性不說話時應(yīng)如何應(yīng)對，而男性也會學(xué)到如何更好地傾聽，同時不會感到沮喪。

在第6章中，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)男性和女性對于親密關(guān)系有著不同的需要。當(dāng)男性與女性走得很近時，隨后男性就不可避免地有抽身出來的需要。女性將會學(xué)到如何支持男性這種抽身出來的過程，這樣，男性就會像橡皮筋一樣再次彈回到女性身邊。女性還將了解到，什么時候是與男性進(jìn)行親密交談的最佳時機(jī)。

我們將在第7章探討女性愛的情緒是如何以波浪運(yùn)動的形式有節(jié)奏地上下起伏的。男性將學(xué)會如何正確地理解這些有時會突然發(fā)生的情感轉(zhuǎn)變。男性還將學(xué)會識別女性在何時最需要男性的支持，以及在這些時候男性如何巧妙地給予女性支持，又無需做出犧牲。

在第8章中，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)男性和女性在付出愛時，常常給與的是他們自己所需要的愛，而不是對方所需要的愛。男性最需要的一種愛是包含了信任、接受和感激的愛。女性最需要的一種愛是包含了關(guān)懷、理解和尊重的愛。你會發(fā)現(xiàn)，你也許會通過六種最普遍的方式不知不覺地就打消了你的伴侶對你的愛。

在第9章中，我們將探索如何避免令人痛苦的爭吵。男性要懂得這一點(diǎn)，如果他們總是表現(xiàn)出自己是對的，他們也許會就會顯現(xiàn)出對女性感受的不認(rèn)可。女性也需要懂得，她們是如何在不經(jīng)意間就對男性傳遞出了不滿意（而不是有不同意見）的信號，從而導(dǎo)致了男性的防御心理和行為。我們將對一場爭吵進(jìn)行剖析，同時提出許多實(shí)用建議來幫助大家建立起相互支持的溝通方式。

第10章里將會具體說明男性和女性在給異性打分（評價）上的差異。男性將會懂得，對于金星人來說，每一份愛的禮物，無論大小，分值都是一樣的。男性要記住，你不需要專注在某一件大禮物上，所有對于愛的微小表達(dá)都同樣重要；我還列出了101種女性打分的方法。不過，女性也同樣需要學(xué)會將其精力轉(zhuǎn)移到給予男性真正想要的東西上，這樣男性才會給她打高分。

在第11章中，你將學(xué)習(xí)到在兩性之間關(guān)系緊張時的相互溝通方法。這一章討論了男性和女性是如何掩飾自己的感受的，以及分享感受的重要性。我推薦使用“寫情書”技巧來表達(dá)你對伴侶的負(fù)面情緒，并將其作為一種找到更多的愛和獲得諒解的一種方式。

在第12章中，你將會明白，為什么金星人那么難以主動開口求助，以及，為什么火星人通常會拒絕這種求助請求。你會懂得“你是否能夠”和“你能不能”這兩個短語如何讓男性反感，以及正確的說法應(yīng)該是什么。你將學(xué)到鼓勵男性付出更多的秘密，并在不同場合中發(fā)現(xiàn)使用簡潔、直接和措辭準(zhǔn)確的語言的力量。

在第13章里，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)愛有四個季節(jié)。只有對愛的變化和成長有現(xiàn)實(shí)的認(rèn)識，才能有助于你克服兩性關(guān)系中不可避免會出現(xiàn)的障礙。你將會懂得，你或是你伴侶的過去經(jīng)歷是如何影響你們當(dāng)下關(guān)系的，同時你也將會有其他的重要發(fā)現(xiàn)，這些發(fā)現(xiàn)會讓你的愛情魔力日久彌新。

在《男性來自火星，女性來自金星》的每一章中，你都會發(fā)現(xiàn)創(chuàng)造出有愛的和持久的兩性關(guān)系的新秘密。每一個新發(fā)現(xiàn)都將讓你擁有更多的擁有圓滿兩性關(guān)系的能力。

僅有好意是不夠的

陷入愛河總是很神妙的。它讓人覺得愛是永恒的，似乎愛將持續(xù)到永遠(yuǎn)。我們天真地以為，我們會很幸運(yùn)，不會再受我們父母所經(jīng)歷的那些問題的困擾，也不會有愛情消亡的可能，我們確信我們的愛是命中注定的，天意會讓我們從此過上幸福的生活。

然而，隨著愛的魔力消退，當(dāng)日常生活成為愛情的主要內(nèi)容時，一個現(xiàn)象就是男性會繼續(xù)期望女性會像男性一樣地思考和行動，而女性們則期望男性像女性一樣感受和行動。如果我們不能清楚地意識到兩性之間的差異，我們就不會再去花時間理解和尊重對方。我們變得強(qiáng)人所難、滿心怨氣、妄加評判和不寬容。

即使我們是出于最善意的企圖和愛的企圖，我們的愛也在繼續(xù)消亡。不知道為什么，矛盾就悄悄產(chǎn)生了。我們的怨恨不斷累積，我們的溝通也出了問題。不信任感日益加劇。其結(jié)果就是排斥和壓抑。愛情的魔力消失了。

我們問我們自己：

這究竟是怎樣發(fā)生的？

為什么會是這樣？

為什么這會發(fā)生在我們身上？

為了回答這一系列問題，我們那些最偉大的思想家們提出了絕妙而又復(fù)雜的哲學(xué)和心理學(xué)模型。然而，舊的模式仍在重復(fù)。愛情最終消亡。這種情況幾乎在每個人身上都會發(fā)生。

每一天，都有數(shù)百萬的單身人士在尋找他們的伴侶，希望體驗(yàn)到那種特殊的愛的感覺。每一年，都有數(shù)百萬的人會因?yàn)閻鄱Y(jié)為夫婦，然后又會因?yàn)槭チ四欠N愛的感受而痛苦地分離。在那些愛情維持得足夠長久，能夠走進(jìn)婚姻殿堂的夫婦中，只有50%的夫婦維持了他們的婚姻。而在維持了婚姻的夫婦中，也許還有50%的夫婦并沒有獲得圓滿的愛情。他們?nèi)耘f在一起要么是出于忠誠和責(zé)任，要么是因?yàn)楹ε聫念^開始。

的確，很少有人能夠有茁壯成長的愛情?？墒?，這種愛情確確實(shí)實(shí)存在的。

當(dāng)男性和女性能夠尊重并接納他們的差異時，愛情之花就有可能綻放。

通過理解異性之間那些看不見的差異，我們就能夠更好地付出和接受我們心中本就有的愛。通過認(rèn)可并接受彼此間的差異，我們能夠找到創(chuàng)造性的解決方法，從而成功地獲得我們想要的愛情。更重要的是，我們就能夠?qū)W會如何盡我們所能地去愛和幫助我們所關(guān)心的人。

愛是神奇的，只要我們記住我們彼此不同，愛就會伴隨我們直到永遠(yuǎn)。

【劉博士音頻】

Chapter 1

Men Are from Mars， Women Are from Venus

Imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. One day long ago the Martians, looking through their telescopes, discovered the Venusians. Just glimpsing the Venusians awakened feelings they had never known. They fell in love and quickly invented space travel and flew to Venus.

The Venusians welcomed the Martians with open arms. They had intuitively known that this day would come. Their hearts opened wide to a love they had never felt before.

The love between the Venusians and Martians was magical. They delighted in being together, doing things together, and sharing together. Though from different worlds, they reveled in their differences. They spent months learning about each other, exploring and appreciating their different needs, preferences, and behavior patterns. For years they lived together in love and harmony.

Then they decided to fly to Earth. In the beginning everything was wonderful and beautiful. But the effects of Earth's atmosphere took hold, and one morning everyone woke up with a peculiar kind of amnesia—selective amnesia!

Both the Martians and Venusians forgot that they were from different planets and were supposed to be different. In one morning everything they had learned about their differences was erased from their memory. And since that day men and women have been in conflict.

REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES

Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to "want what we want" and "feel the way we feel."

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways-the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed and prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about our differences.

Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict.

Clearly recognizing and respecting these differences dramatically reduce confusion when dealing with the opposite sex. When you remember that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, everything can be explained.

AN OVERVIEW OF OUR DIFFERENCES

Throughout this book I will discuss in great detail our differences. Each chapter will bring you new and crucial insights. Here are the major differences that we will explore:

In chapter 2 we will explore how men's and women's values are inherently different and try to understand the two biggest mistakes we make in relating to the opposite sex: men mistakenly offer solutions and invalidate feelings while women offer unsolicited advice and direction. Through understanding our Martian/Venusian background it becomes obvious why men and women unknowingly make these mistakes. By remembering these differences we can correct our mistakes and immediately respond to each other in more productive ways.

In chapter 3 we'll discover the different ways men and women cope with stress. While Martians tend to pull away and silently think about what's bothering them, Venusians feel an instinctive need to talk about what's bothering them. You will learn new strategies for getting what you want at these conflicting times.

We will explore how to motivate the opposite sex in chapter 4. Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished. We will discuss the three steps for improving relationships and explore how to overcome our greatest challenges: men need to overcome their resistance to giving love while women must overcome their resistance to receiving it.

In chapter 5 you'll learn how men and women commonly misunderstand each other because they speak different languages. A Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary is provided to translate commonly misunderstood expressions. You will learn how men and women speak and even stop speaking for entirely different reasons. Women will learn what to do when a man stops talking, and men will learn how to listen better without becoming frustrated.

In chapter 6 you will discover how men and women have different needs for intimacy. A man gets close but then inevitably needs to Pull away. Women will learn how to support this pulling-away process so he will spring back to her like a rubber band. Women also will learn the best times for having intimate conversations with a man.

We will explore in chapter 7 how a woman's loving attitudes rise and fall rhythmically in a wave motion. Men will learn how correctly to interpret these sometimes sudden shifts of feeling. Men also will learn to recognize when they are needed the most and how to be skillfully supportive at those times without having to make sacrifices.

In chapter 8 you'll discover how men and women give the kind of love they need and not what the opposite sex needs. Men primarily need a kind of love that is trusting, accepting, and appreciative. Women primarily need a kind of love that is caring, understanding, and respectful. You will discover the six most common ways you may unknowingly be turning off your partner.

In chapter 9 we will explore how to avoid painful arguments. Men will learn that by acting as if they are always right they may invalidate a woman's feelings. Women will learn how they unknowingly send messages of disapproval instead of disagreement, thus igniting a man's defenses. The anatomy of an argument will be explored along with many practical suggestions for establishing supportive communication.

Chapter 10 will show how men and women keep score differently. Men will learn that for Venusians every gift of love scores equally with every other gift, regardless of size. Instead of focusing on one big gift men are reminded that the little expressions of love are just as important; 101 ways to score points with women are listed. Women, however, will learn to redirect their energies into ways that score big with men by giving men what they want.

In chapter 11 you'll learn ways to communicate with each other during difficult times. The different ways men and women hide feelings are discussed along with the importance of sharing feelings. The Love Letter Technique is recommended for expressing negative feelings to your partner, as a way of finding greater love and forgiveness.

You will understand why Venusians have a more difficult time asking for support in chapter 12, as well as why Martians commonly resist requests. You will learn how the phrases "could you" and "can you" turn off men and what to say instead. You will learn the secrets for encouraging a man to give more and discover in various ways the power of being brief, direct, and using the correct wording.

In chapter 13 you'll discover the four seasons of love. This realistic perspective of how love changes and grows will assist you in overcoming the inevitable obstacles that emerge in any relationship. You will learn how your past or your partner's past can affect your relationship in the present and discover other important insights for keeping the magic of love alive.

In each chapter of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus you will discover new secrets for creating loving and lasting relationships. Each new discovery will increase your ability to have fulfilling relationships.

GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH

Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will last forever. We naively believe that somehow we are exempt from the problems our parents had, free from the odds that love will die, assured that it is meant to be and that we are destined to live happily ever after.

But as the magic recedes and daily life takes over, it emerges that men continue to expect women to think and react like men, and women expect men to feel and behave like women. Without a clear awareness of our differences, we do not take the time to understand and respect each other. We become demanding, resentful, judgmental, and intolerant.

With the best and most loving intentions love continues to die. Somehow the problems creep in. The resentments build. Communication breaks down. Mistrust increases. Rejection and repression result. The magic of love is lost.

We ask ourselves:

How does it happen?

Why does it happen?

Why does it happen to us?

To answer these questions our greatest minds have developed brilliant and complex philosophical and psychological models. Yet still the old patterns return. Love dies. It happens to almost everyone.

Each day millions of individuals are searching for a partner to experience that special loving feeling. Each year, millions of couples join together in love and then painfully separate because they have lost that loving feeling. From those who are able to sustain love long enough to get married, only 50 percent stay married. Out of those who stay together, possibly another 50 percent are not fulfilled. They stay together out of loyalty and obligation or from the fear of starting over.

Very few people, indeed, are able to grow in love. Yet, it does happen.

When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.

Through understanding the hidden differences of the opposite sex we can more successfully give and receive the love that is in our hearts. By validating and accepting our differences, creative solutions can be discovered whereby we can succeed in getting what we want. And, more important, we can learn how to best love and support the people we care about.

Love is magical, and it can last, if we remember our differences.

1,脫單攻略
2,分手挽回

3,魅力提升
4,長期關(guān)系

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